The Sunflower Expectation we hold from the person around us who have gone through Abuse. The term "sunflower" is used here as a metaphor to show how the society expects a lot out of the person who has received abuse (maybe more than once) to bloom like a sunflower in their life, relationships, career, education etc.
Abuse is not limited to one form. Sexual abuse from distant relatives or strangers are not the only forms. There are more having a high level of impact on the person and their life. This is not an easy read but it's an attempt to reach to the pain of the person who experienced time and again, no one could understand what they went through.
There are different forms of abuse - physical, verbal, sexual, emotional and financial abuse. They can be mild, moderate or severe. Wherever your voice is stuck, mild, moderate or severe, I'm aware it has not been an easy journey for you.
Physical abuse - Where one experiences bodily harm - a slap, push, hit, using of an object to cause pain like a belt, spatula or shoes
Verbal abuse - Where one receives criticism, harsh abusive words, taunts, insults, belittling of one's existence or threatens
Sexual abuse- Where one's physical body is touched, harassed, molested, assaulted without one's own consent
Emotional abuse - Where your self worth goes to gamble - manipulation, gaslighting, humiliation, silent treatment after a fight or controlling behaviours to pull your confidence down
Financial abuse - Where one is controlled through controlling their relationship with money - not providing money or access to money is limited or absolutely zero making the person dependent on the other completely
All forms of abuses that one receives starts to form a base or foundation of adulthood.
Client 205 - From the age of 02 to 14 years old, this client was hit with a belt by their uncle. This is 12 years of physical, emotional and verbal abuse. The client had stopped crying in front of family as it was said "Stop crying, no tears!" So, the client cried in the washroom alone, as a child managing emotions on their own, all by self. The child's foundation years have been disturbing and helpless. Even when the mind tells to forgive and let go, the body is not able to. The body has a memory, it remembers.
A child in their growing age starts forming core beliefs about life and followed by subconscious decisions:
"I'm not worthy of love" (People- pleasing behaviour starts to surface)
"No one understands me" (Feeling of loneliness)
"I've to figure things on my own" (Hyper independence begins)
"People who love you can hurt you too" (Trusting in relationship or connecting with people is a challenge) - A base for future relationships
"Watch out, if someone loves you, they might start harming you!" (Fear, fear and fear)
These are some of the behaviours that show up in adulthood that are verbalised in words here, but the experiences are much more intense and deep.
Today, the client is expected to have a normal, harmonious relationship with the same uncle, is it going to be easy? If you or someone you know has experienced something like this:
1. Give space to heal, to feel, to share
2. Listen to those feelings - without judging, demeaning or discounting that experience
3. Connect with that child who went through so much on it's own and it wasn't wrong to make decisions for future life. It has all the rights
4. Remember, you are not alone, there is a community of people who understand and stand by you and your pain
5. Reach out for help - professional therapist who can hold space for you as you heal
It is a journey of healing, but it's promising and a fulfilling one. Show up for yourself.
This post is to let the person who experienced abuse, that it's okay what you are experiencing and your voice matters. You are allowed to feel what you are going through.
Stop expecting someone to bloom like a sunflower every time you want them to. Allow space.
Thank you Client 205, for sharing your life experiences and hoping that your life story reaches out to the right people.
Warm love,
Rishmita